Sunday 16 September 2012

Can You Feel Loved?

by Quercus

Angry post warning...!
This post is dedicated to "Another Scapegoat" - when your NM said, "you’re my daughter, I love you, yadda, yadda, yadda" after she terribly berated you and your fiance in a place you couldn't get away from, I felt for you. I've heard that very phrase at the end of cruel and hateful tirades too many times to remember. And I feel that my hatred of that abuse of the term 'love' is absolutely justified....

Here's a thought - has 'love' been ruined for you?

I recently heard a sermon on the deep love of God for his children. The pastor asked us to reflect on a moment in our lives where we felt loved, and to 'magnify' that in our minds to imagine the deep love of God who died for us . . .

All very nice sentiments, a good illustration, but there was one big problem for me . . . I've never felt 'loved'. At least, I couldn't recall a time where I had felt 'deeply loved', despite the fact that I know I must've felt this way towards and from my husband several times this month alone. If I think about it really hard, I can vaguely remember that I must've felt totally loved by my husband at certain points in my life (I remember being moved to tears last week only), but try as I might, I couldn't feel that love again retroactively in my heart in order to magnify it.

I started to wonder why on earth this would be. Suppression, obviously - but why? Why suppress ever feeling loved?!

And then it dawned on me. A cold, chilling light shone in a dark corner of my soul illuminating the terrible answer: my parents, vectors of my first experiences with humanity and love, used "love" to hurt me time and time again. Rapists do it too, "Because I love you!"

I Love You. Possibly the three most manipulative words in existence.

All you have to do is add "therefore,...." or "since I love you,...." and you can see how by 'loving' someone, you can justify all sorts of evil.

"Can't you see that your mother loves you?!" (said EF). No. My brain has trained itself to ignore that, because every single time I trusted you, you have hurt me, NM - intentionally. You're sick, you know that, don't you? Every time you say to me, "I know you know that I love you", I'm going to reply, "You're sick, and you know that as well as I".

My malicious, hateful, f---ed-up mother used 'love' to cover her tracks. She convinced me that she couldn't have possibly done whatever-it-was on purpose, because she 'loved' me.

She has ruined 'love' for me. Now, I don't want to know how much my husband loves me. I don't want to know even how much God loves me. Because if I allow myself to feel loved, I am truly vulnerable. And I can't do that anymore. For decades and decades my emotionally stunted, controlling and capricious fore-bearers have done whatever they liked to make themselves feel better, stronger, smarter than me - a child for most of that time - and have then 'written off' their despicable, cowardly, cruel behaviour with a claim that 'they love me'.

Heck, maybe they actually believe that they love me. Maybe their definition of 'love' somehow excludes respect, dignity, humility, consideration and self-sacrifice (it definitely excludes self-sacrifice!!!). So it isn't truly love. But the word 'love' has been tainted all the same (cue Soft Cell... creepy video - Caligula?).

My rotten, perverse and malignant mother has used 'love' as a reason to emotionally abuse me for my entire life. Is it any wonder I can't allow myself to 'feel loved'?! Hardly. I walled off my heart to stay alive - as a desperate attempt to survive. Unfortunately, it's difficult to open it up again - I know I can't take any more abuse. I will die.

Thanks, NM. This is your legacy. This is how you raised me. It's on your head.

Accountability's a bitch, eh? Good thing I don't throw it back in your face. Good thing for you I blog about it anonymously instead.

Because I love you.


Tainted Love - Soft Cell


Sometimes I feel I've got to 
run away, I've got to 
get away 
from the pain you drive into the heart of me.
The love we share 
seems to go nowhere,
And I've lost my light,
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night.

Once I ran to you,
Now I run from you,
This tainted love you've given,
I give you all a boy could give you,
take my tears and that's not nearly all,
Tainted Love.
Tainted Love.

Now I know I've got to 
run away, I've got to,
get away 
you don't really want any more from me 
to make things right.
You need someone to hold you tight,
and you'll think love is to pray*,
but I'm sorry I don't pray that way!

Once I ran to you,
Now I run from you,
This tainted love you've given,
I give you all a boy could give you,
take my tears and that's not nearly all,
Tainted Love.
Tainted Love.

Don't touch me, please
I cannot stand the way you tease!
I love you though you hurt me so,
now I'm going to pack my things and go!
Tainted Love, tainted love, tainted love....


(QG's note: *prey?)

23 comments:

  1. Great post QG. Speaks volumes.

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  2. Important post QG. Many of us never felt, or even were, loved. In my case, my NF seemed to have little but loathing or indifference to me from the time I was 12 until I was 25. Once I started becoming "bragworthy," done entirely without help from him, I would add--he started "accepting" me again. I was so afraid of provoking the loathing I felt during my teens that I fell in line. I've been understanding for a few years that I've never been on his priority list. I think that became a paradigm for my relationships with men. They had to "prove" I was #1 on their priority list. Too big a burden for anyone to have to carry. I never even made it to his top 5.

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    1. Oof, that's a tough situation for you to be in. It's fantastic, however, that you've realised where the mistaken 'beliefs' stem from; I'm starting to wonder if the majority of people in the world have compensatory coping mechanisms that are never analyzed or challenged. It takes enormous strength to question your own motives like that. I'm not sure that most people are brave or strong enough to even attempt it. Sorry you had to be in such a situation, but kudos for taking the high road out of it! It's truly heroic - ACoNs have to slay such terrible beasts...

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  3. When we were children, a couple who were briefly friends with my NPs called us the "kissiest" family they had every seen. We were always kissed/hugged hello and good-bye by my NPs. My older brother was once kissed by good-bye by NM when he went to the garage to take out the garbage. This routine was accompanied by a monotone "Love you."

    Often after one of my NF's rages with NM's tacit approval, she would say, "You know your father loves you. You shouldn't upset him."

    Thanks to all these meaningless expressions of love, even though he demonstrated it with actions and not just empty words, I never truly believed my DH loved me. Now that he's dead and I realize just how much he loved me, it's too late.

    I consider myself lucky. I no longer have ANY love left for my NPs. I actually have way more feelings for my pets than I have for them, but then, my pets really do love me back.

    Every time these people break our hearts a little bit of love bleeds out until finally we have none left for them and we're free. Their loss, not ours.

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    1. Oh Mulderfan! This is a sad story! How wonderful that you were truly loved by your husband, though - that's a love of deliberate choice as opposed to a love of obligation (I think it is therefore more meaningful!).

      And how interesting that you should bring up pets - I'm considering writing a post on how pets of all kinds could be considered "essential ACoN support personnel"! Their unconditional love is so essential to undo the damage caused by the NP's machinations.

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  4. Just wanted to add the "Moral of the Story"...

    The Moral of the Story is that if you say you love your kids, but you really don't (or you actually are ambivalent or resentful toward them), they will develop all manner of dysfunction in the 'love' department of their brains.

    If you won't or can't unconditionally love your kids, DON'T HAVE THEM.

    (This message brought to you by prophylactic manufacturers the world over....!)

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  5. This post reminded me of a concept I read in Milan Kundera's book "The Unbearable Lightness of Being". In one of the chapters he talks about the different meanings that the same word can have for people of different backgrounds how the characters in a relationship won't be able to understand each other because the same word means different things for them, i.e. for the man the word "woman" is a compliment but for the woman it is something that was used pejorative in her family and so she views the word as a put down rather than a compliment. Every time the man uses it to praise her she hears it as an insult. At the time this was a little over my head and never thought of applying it to my own family.
    No wonder it is so difficult to detangle ourselves from this web because nothing is called what it really is. (I believe R.D. Laing called it "violence masquerading as love").

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    1. Brilliant! Thanks for the book recommendation - sounds incredible!

      It's funny you should mention the differing definitions of words - I was mulling over putting up a post on all the alternative definitions of the word 'love' (it was my husband's idea; in the Bible, the words for "love" in Greek or Hebrew are many - brotherly love, friendly love, parental love, romantic love, etc. When the Inuit have 30+ words for snow, why do we only have the one word for 'love'?!)

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    2. I think a post about the alternative definitions of love would be really good. I read an article years ago about the Greek words for love in the Bible and I also wondered why in most modern languages we only have one word for love. It would be interesting to check if ancient Hebrew is the same as ancient Greek when it comes for words for love.
      I was thinking also -maybe the subject of another post- about how words don't seem have any emotional content for narcissists. I once watched an interview with Robert Hare where he explained that he had done a test on psychopaths where he flashed different words on a computer screen and the psychopath reacted the same whether the word was "table" or "rape". That would explain why narcissists can so easily say things like "I love you" or "I miss you" whereas most of us can't really bring ourselves to say it unless we really feel it in our hearts.


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    3. Holy crap, Kara! I think you're more qualified than I am to write such a post (so interesting)! If you're up for writing it (or even co-writing if you don't want to research it all yourself), let me know - would love to have an author besides myself posting on The ACoN Society!

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    4. (email is: acon(DOT)anon(AT)gmail.com)

      :-)

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    5. I had actually been thinking about emailing you about your question about whether "religious" narcs really believe in God because I have been pondering on the same question for the last few years and I have come to some conclusions on the subject. But I could have a go at writing one about the content of words for narcs too. It would be an interesting theme to research further. I'll email you in the week. :-)

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  6. Well put Quercus! I think that ambivalence is probably the most damaging stance to have toward your children--it keeps them hooked in, and kept out simultaneously. Crippling.

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    1. Oh yes, good point. Ambivalence is certainly what my NM had. Flashes of maliciousness, then remorse, then anger (somehow it's my fault she was mean to me and my fault that she felt badly for it), then ambivalence, and rarely, just to totally screw with my head, kindness. All under the convenient heading of "love"!

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  7. Great post and great point! I’ve not really thought about this aspect of the abuse from my NM, but it’s very on-point. She tends to tell me she “loves” me when things are not going well between us and I recently realized it was manipulative gesture to hoover me back to her. What I hadn’t thought about much is how it’s affected my ability to give, receive and feel loved in other relationships.
    My ex-husband couldn’t connect with me (or anyone) and turned to online “adult entertainment” to fill his own NP void. Had I been healthier when I got married the first time, I think I would have noticed the disconnection and lack of intimacy, even before I found out about his online activities. I simply failed to notice that I married someone incapable of showing love to me. When I did get healthier, I realized that he was not capable of giving what I needed in a marriage and left. I recognized that I had married someone similar (less overtly abusive, though) to my NPs because it was “familiar”.
    It took some adjustment for me when I met my current H. He is so vastly different to my parents or my ex-h. He is capable of love and connection and is a person with boundaries. I feel loved by him, truly. It took some time for me really feel that, though. That involved me learning to trust him.

    -Another Scapegoat

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    1. Awww, thanks AS! This is encouraging! And the word 'trust' - I somehow failed to connect the concept of 'trust' and 'vulnerability', which is silly.... Funny, my psychologist keeps saying I need to 'trust' my husband more. "I do trust him," I think to myself, "What's he talking about?"

      Oh.

      Thanks for filling in that gap! Can't believe I didn't connect the dots 'til now (thanks - where do I send the cheque for services rendered?!). Ha ha.

      Can I ask how you 'learned to trust him'? Is there a formula, or is it one of those personal things that I'll have to learn for myself?

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    2. I think I learned to trust my H when I realized (through therapy sessions) that he’d earned my trust. One thing my therapist asked me when I was describing the difficulty in trusting my new partner was “Has he done anything to cause you not to trust him?” I couldn’t think of a single thing he’d done to warrant my not trusting him. My therapist helped me to see that I was projecting my past hurts from my ex-h and my np’s on to him, when he’d done nothing wrong. Not to say we haven’t had disagreements or out and out arguments, but the difference is, once the initial emotion was expressed, anger or frustration for instance, neither of us was expecting the other to just bury it and act like it never happened (until next time, like my NP). Rather, either one or both of us apologized and asked how we could handle similar situations better, going forward. And, I’ve seen him change in the ways that he’s promised.
      It’s still tough, at times. I tend to feel like it’s my fault when someone is upset/angry. If he’s in a cranky mood, which we all have from time to time, I’ve learned that 9 times out of 10, it’s not about me. And, if it is about me, he’ll talk to me about it and ask for (not demand!) what he needs. So I’m able to relax more at times when he’s feeling stressed about work or school. It used to trigger my PTSD a lot if he was upset about something. NM would slam kitchen cabinets and have a tantrum unexpectedly, but if you asked what was wrong, that was a big no, no. He doesn’t do that or anything, but I think most ACON’s can relate to becoming attuned to others’ moods as a self-preservation tactic. I can just tell from his facial expression if he’s annoyed/angry/frustrated. All normal, healthy emotions, but a sign of impending doom with NP’s, so I would feel triggered and become very emotional and afraid if he was upset about something.
      Another thing I just thought about… When my NM says “you’re my daughter and I love you”. That’s a conditional clause. She’s “loving me” because her appearance minded “self” tells her she has to, in order to appear “Motherly” because that’s what “Moms” do. Not because she really does or see’s my value. When my H says “I love you”, there are no strings attached. He doesn’t say “I love you because you’re my wife”, I’m his wife because he loves me.

      -Another Scapegoat

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    3. Thanks so much, A.S.! This is really helpful.

      Wow, on a side note, I've noticed that many ACoNs have been diagnosed as having PTSD (I haven't, though I haven't actually asked if my shrink thinks so or not!).

      Apologies if this is too personal a question (I've been asking you a lot! Sorry!), but is your PTSD from your parents or unrelated? It would be cool to write a post on ACoNs and PTSD, but admittedly I know nothing, apart from what the letters stand for! What it looks like, what it feels like, how it's acquired, how it's treated - all mysteries to me!

      Thinking I should probably look into it, in case I've got it too!

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  8. I think my PTSD is from both my parents and my ex-h. I was always in a position, both in childhood and in my first marriage, where I was constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop. With my NP's, I never knew when I was going to be yelled at, discouraged or belittled. If I ever sat down to relax, watch tv or read, I was constantly yelled at to stop being lazy and do something for them around the house, i.e. "chores". But, I just never knew, sometimes I could actually have some peace and quiet.

    With my ex-h, I never knew when I was going to find some foul image on the computer, and know that I'd been lied to again. He promised to quit his online activities so many times, but always just got better at hiding it. Also, the constant rejection of intimacy made me feel like I wasn't attractive or "good" enough.

    So, my PTSD flares: anytime I try to relax (I feel like I should be doing something and I feel guilty), anytime someone is angry about something (I again, feel guilty and scared), anytime I try to do something new (feelings of not being good enough, why bother, I'm just gonna fail) and anytime a scantily clad (or nude) woman comes into view in real life or movies/tv.

    My therapist explained PTSD like this, it's like being transported back to the time of trauma, even though I have grown emotionally and physically, certain events, sounds, smells, sights can trigger me to feel exactly as I did as a kid. Even the PTSD that I attribute to my ex-h's activities has roots in my parents' abuse. His abuse and lack of intimacy in the relationship triggered and reinforced the "not good enough" feelings I already had in spades.

    The exercise she had me do, when this would happen, was to somehow reinforce the “now” reality. For instance, if I was with my H and an attractive woman started talking to him, my mind would start to race about what he was thinking, etc. My H, being NOT my ex-h, did and said nothing inappropriate, and the woman probably didn’t, either. But, I would feel myself getting anxious and “not good enough” in comparison to this woman. My therapist taught me to bring myself into the now, that he is my H, not my ex and he married ME because he loves me and does not do the things my ex did. She said if that wasn’t enough, perhaps a discreet touch to my H could help solidify the present in contrast to the past. Basically, I was to try anything that would break the spell of the past and remind me of reality.

    I haven’t quite figured out how to apply the physical part to triggers of my PTSD caused by my NP abuse. But, I do the same sort of visualization; I’m not a little girl, I’m a grown woman and they have no more power over me.

    I would definitely do some research on PTSD, and/or talk to your therapist. I was really resistant to the idea that I had this, after all, this was what happens to soldiers in war, and I'd never experienced anything like that. But the truth is, PTSD can happen to anyone who has experienced trauma. War is an obviously traumatic experience, so naturally our men and women that serve must deal with often severe cases of it. And the description I've heard from Veterans that I know who have dealt with it is the same, something triggers the feeling they are back on the battlefield, even if they are perfectly safe at home.

    -Another Scapegoat

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    1. Thanks A.S. - thanks for this complete picture! I'm so sorry about what you have gone through. What a nightmare!

      Weirdly, I know that my wedding ring physically brings me comfort. I've never ascribed to the misogynistic view of marriage, i.e. "you're the property of your husband now", yet I like to rotate my wedding band and think to myself, "I belong to my husband now, not my parents!"

      (Again, the 'ownership' thing needs to be taken in context! It's NOT my view on the place of women in marriage! I reject that 'ownership' stuff fully in virtually any other context! Just saying!)

      If the wedding ring is too close to memories of your ex, maybe another piece of jewelry? Get another hole pierced in an ear? Or a tattoo? Something ever-present that you can touch/look at and say, "I'm not who I was - I'm the new me"? I hope you find something to 'anchor' you in this reality (have you seen the movie 'Inception'?! This totally reminds me of that little top he carries with him everywhere!).

      Re: PTSD, I do seem to get panic attacks - whenever I feel 'trapped' by my parents (or other narcissists; unfortunately there's a few minor players in my life who are definitely narcissistic if not full-blown personality disordered). The attacks never really happened until after I started therapy. I think I had suppressed everything so well prior to that.

      I'll look into PTSD more, and I'll really examine what's going on when I freak out. Thanks so much for your explanation, A.S.!

      Q.G. :-)

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  9. Great post, Quercus, very important.

    As I recently commented on Upsi's blog also, I have no idea what it's like to feel loved. It's simply not there. Absent.It's quite unimaginable what it would feel like. I can guess this is because a feeling of love and security did not develop as part of my experience as an infant.

    In the upside down and backwards way of my family, I'm lucky that the word love was not misused - it was never used at all. A few years ago, my mother bragged that one of her proudest achievements was never having told anyone she loved them, or felt any pride in them, especially her children. Why? (you may well ask!) She said it was because if you go around loving and being proud of your children it leads them to get "ideas" and being full of themselves and "too big for their boots".

    She was actually proud of having having broken our self-esteem. What can you even say to someone who holds that belief? *shakes head sadly*

    When I was young many of my relationships didn't work because I believed the feeling of not being loved was outside of myself - was a result of the guy himself not loving me. With a little work though, I understood it was internal and that there was nothing anyone could to do to create a feeling that I could not perceive. Things got much, much easier after that.

    One day, I hope to find a way to create the feeling but it's a long way off yet.

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    1. Oooh yuck, Elena! Your mother is a piece of work! It's funny - my mom never said that, but I could just hear her thinking that as I read your words!!! I think this is a common control tactic - maybe various Narcs take it to various extremes.

      My parents were obsessed with me not becoming "full of myself" or "egotistical". They would put me down, or refuse to give me praise (and when I asked why, I'd get a response along the lines of "We're just making sure you won't get any more conceited.")! As if I was ever conceited - I still rank almost pathologically low on the 'self-esteem' assays!

      Yes, only a narcissist would feel proud about breaking the spirit of their own children!!!

      I love this example you've given; so clear, so telling! Your mother intentionally hindered your development to make herself feel special!

      Your 'mother' is the antithesis of 'maternal'!!!

      Boy, I'd like to tell her that (on your behalf)! Grrr! It's maddening!

      Elena - you're very worthy of love and respect. You write beautifully. You have a kind heart. You're brave and noble and strong, despite having so little in the way of support. Given the right circumstances, you'll soar.

      The immense potential you have is even recognized by your NM. Why else would she continue to 'clip your wings'?!

      "The best revenge is living well."

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