Thursday 4 October 2012

Verbal Poison

by Quercus




Here are some general symptoms of poisoning:

- tachycardia (or bradycardia) - a dramatic change in the heart rate
- nausea
- vomiting
- diarrhea
- confusion & panic
- pain

Verbal poison can do all of this too. When my NM sends me an email, I experience:

- pain
- heart palpitations and tachycardia
- nausea
- vomiting
- diarrhea (takes roughly 15-60 minutes after reading the offending message)
- confusion & panic

Did she mean to poison me? I have two separate thoughts on that:

1. You betcha. Like Upsi's diseased and dastardly mother's letters, every word is carefully calculated to inflict harm. Nothing is held back - it's a full assault, hastily disguised as a 'caring' message from a 'loving' mother. Sometimes they don't even bother gift-wrapping it and send the crock of bull to you naked and unvarnished. You can be sure what the underlying motivation was when they don't even bother to try to construct a facade for the noxious message - REVENGE. You hurt her, she's gonna hurt you real bad in return.

2. Yes. (This sounds a lot like point #1, but hear me out!). If she hurt me, bonus. Perhaps this time her motivation wasn't purely malignant (although it is always, always a component - it's too habitual for her to not be cruel!). Maybe she really was just claiming her innocence and venerating her role as martyr-mother. She sacrificed so much. She's hurting so much . . . and if I am made to feel badly about that, good! But really the message is that she's so wonderful, so sacrificing, a paragon of holy motherhood - she's vindicating herself from the awful lies I believe about her (bonus jab with the insinuation of my 'lying'). As another bonus jab for her, it's generally implied (read between the lines) that only a retard would need to have this spelled out - my mother's holiness and selflessness should be readily apparent to everyone, myself especially. Not only is she a saint and me a demon, but I'm also a simpleton.

Whether the message is purely revenge-driven or mostly motivated by vindication (typically it has aspects of both), the effect on your body is the same. It's poisonous. Poison not only to your soul, but to your very body. The 'mind-body connection' is a gross understatement; they're completely integrated and symbiotic. You can't have one without the other. Want proof that negative thoughts promote negative results in your body? Wait 15-60 minutes after reading a message from your dear NParent - you can then reflect upon it in the privacy of your own washroom!

The moral of today's post, dear ACoNs: Good parents don't induce stress-related illnesses* in their offspring!
*(i.e. IBS, anxiety-disorders, self-harming coping mechanisms like cutting or substance abuse, peptic ulcers, chronic pain, insomnia and sleep disorders, asthma attacks, chronic migraines, depressed immunity (always getting colds), metabolic disorders, unhealthy eating patterns and diseases (obesity, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa), serious depression, PTSD, eczema, perhaps even some rather scary auto-immune diseases . . . the list is potentially endless!).

On a side note, I've had a few medical issues in my day. Many, actually, some of which are or were quite scary. All are considered 'stress-related illnesses'. Every last one of them. Am I sick? Yes, but.... Am I stressed? Quite obviously!

If I finally mitigate my chronic stress, it seems that my health problems could potentially evaporate. That is, if the chronic stress of my 30 some-odd years hasn't caused irreversible damage to my body and mind. Still, I have hope - with "No Contact", I could stop the poisoning.

Anyone else physically 'poisoned' by the words of their parents? Anyone else suffering from stress-related illnesses? Life's short - let's not suffer for stupid reasons!

12 comments:

  1. Good lord, yes. The stress I have suffered, and the subsequent illnesses fit a lot of your categories above. (And funny thing is, most of the narcs in my life attribute it to me being weak or unable to handle stress. Read: it's my fault and I'm flawed.)
    Your points above about your mother trying to seek both revenge and be vindicated really resonated with me. I gave my mother a personality test once (I used to do that sort of thing) and I was shocked to see that she rated high in a scale that suggested vengeance. When I asked her about it, she was actually PROUD. She felt that getting revenge showed that shew as strong. But, the majority of the time, my mother is out for vindication. To prove to me what a ungrateful little brat I am. To prove how me (and everyone else) never respects/appreciates/loves her enough.

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    1. Oh no, me too! :-) I forgot about that - I too was blamed for not being as "strong" as I ought to be. It's sick, isn't it?!

      My NM did a personality test once. She didn't like her attributed traits, so she 'changed' over the years so that she would score differently.

      She's exactly the same person as she was; she's simply figured out how to better manipulate the system! Eeew, eh?

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  2. IBS, stress-related acid-reflux, anxiety-disorders, self-harming coping mechanisms like cutting and substance abuse (alcoholism), insomnia and sleep disorders, asthma attacks, unhealthy eating patterns and diseases (obesity). Hearing loss from blows to the head and arthritis from untreated childhood injuries/fractures. NF loved to taunt me about the last two!

    I added and subtracted a few but we all have our own list.

    The good news is, except the hearing loss and arthritis, the other conditions have improved or disappeared completely.

    A word on revenge: "Normal" parents don't set out to get revenge on their own kids! They love and support them even when they screw up.

    Poisoning: I used to be so physically ill after visiting my NPs it was not unusual for me to pull off to throw up on the drive home. I also stopped and picked up booze. I'd be sleepless the night before a visit trying to think up ways to avoid one of NF's rages.

    Carefully calculated: Doubtful. People who have evil motives, and know us as well as our parents do, instinctively know how to cut us to the quick. Just to add to their fun, without thinking, they twist the knife.

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    1. Oooh, great point - I suppose it would come naturally to them to be evil. My evil NGrandfather literally PRIDES himself on being able to pick out a perfect stranger's insecurities and reduce them to a quivering pile of emotional wreckage.
      He likes to make cashiers at the supermarket cry (he befriends them, then criticizes something about them. His words.) Entire agencies have refused to deal with him in his old age. He's that nasty! I suppose it does come naturally - he's no evil genius, he's just EVIL.

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    2. I meant to comment on your hearing loss and arthritis as well, but I got lost in a thought in my first reply.

      Mulderfan, that is absolutely awful that 'blows to the head' and 'untreated childhood injuries/fractures' happened to you. I am so sorry to hear it. I'm even more sorry that it has resulted in lasting physical damage to you.

      You didn't deserve that. No one does. :-( Many hugs!

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    3. My NM gave the blows to the head, NF was too busy beating the shit out of my older brother.

      NM called it, "A good clip aside the lug (ear)." The "clips" were delivered with a big wooden hairbrush. If you bled from the ear canal it was considered a success. I actually preferred being slapped across the face!

      NF once slapped my brother's head so hard his wedding ring broke and became embedded in his finger. M brother was blamed for breaking the ring!

      But, gee, they were just doing it because they loved us and didn't know any better.

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    4. I got whacked with a wooden hairbrush, too - but only once or twice, and not hard enough to rupture an eardrum!

      HOLY CRAP!

      And your brother, too! Wow wow wow.... I don't even know what to say! I'm one big ball of disgust and anger and sadness after reading this, Mulderfan!

      This is just sickening!

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  3. Thank you for getting the truth out there. It's one of those things that I don't dare say to anyone because it would make me seem crazy. It's one of those things I read and hear of (and believe and know in my heart to be true), but I don't dare claim it out loud for fear of rejection and ridicule.

    Yes, I currently have, or have once had
    ten
    of the ilnesses that you just mentioned.
    ..and other stuff, too.

    It's now down to about half of those you listed,
    but some damages are permanent.


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    1. I'm sorry some of them stuck around (I figured that would be the case), but I'm glad the rest left! I also had ten+ things on that list (down to 7 or 8 now...)! Isn't it amazing that it's not just one or two (which could be coincidental) that ACoNs experience, but almost the full gamut. Stress is as stress does. :-p

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  4. I was told for years that my NM didn't speak cruelly on purpose. Then upsi posted about a tiny 'smile' that will appear just before a particularly cruel zinger as she anticipates the pain caused. I watched for the 'smile' - bam there it was. She not only knew but she relished it. Something I also learned that as I fought back to take care of my health I started to improve emotionally. If my body was worth caring for than maybe I am too. Take care of the body take care of the mind and the other way around. My health is improving along with my emotional health. Raising them together strengthens me in ways I didn't know were possible. A healthy parent will be hurt by a child or teenager simply because that is part of the process of pulling away and separating. Seeking revenge for a natural process is like punishing a child for growing taller. It is going to happen. I am fortunate that I believed it was important part of growing. I still remember one daughter becoming just miserable to live with. She finally announced she was planning to move out. I sighed in relief because I realized her behavior was about emotionally preparing to move out on her own and not about me at all. I hugged her and told her that after she moved out things will feel better between us again. That is what happened. Seeking revenge is making themselves the center of attention when it really isn't about them at all. I guess in that sense I was lucky, my mother was happy to see me move out.

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    1. Ruth, you are so wonderful - this sort of insight is just invaluable to me. It's so nice to hear your experience as a child, then your experiences as a mother; some things overlap and are 'natural', and other things that your NM did scream "N"! It's really cool to talk about the shades of grey inbetween - I find it so reassuring. :-) Thanks always!

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  5. Yes and yes. I am the spouse of an ACoN coming to terms with his parents abuse and behavior over a year ago that affected us both. After the verbal abuse we both endured from them, me especially since they targeted me to make themselves look better in DH's eyes... (didn't work). I was diagnosed by my doctor as having an anxiety-related stress disorder, runs in my extended family but it must have been made worse/triggered by the abuse I endured until we went no contact. I couldn't sleep, had multiple panic attacks every day and now have no choice but to medicate with anti-anxiety pills to prevent more panic episodes out of the blue. My hubby can also identify with feelings of illness due to his parents. He has migranes, often only triggered by contact from them. Feels ill, generally unwell and has stomach issues and nausea from any and all guilt-ridden contact from his 'flying monkey' family members. Never, ever underestimate the power of words or emotional/mental abuse from family members! I've lived out the consequences of trying to live in an unhealthy environment and so has my DH. It's just not worth it. <3 My heart goes out to others affected by this and thank you Quercus for posting. SO true. Good parents just don't do that.

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